Great Expectations

We earn trust when what we say and do reflects reality. We erode trust when reality diverges from expectations that we create by words and deeds. The intrinsic bond between expectation and trust grows because trust creates expectations.  The realization of those expectations create and strengthen trust. The new level of trust develops deeper expectations.

When expectations are shattered by the behavior of those we believed we could
trust we experience disgust, disappointment, and doubt, depending upon the gravity of the error.  Without excusing the behavior of the one who has erred we can limit the effect and attune our response by understanding our role in the trust expectation cycle.



There are three primary steps to ensure trustful living.

1. Make affirmative statements
2. Speak what you know to be true.
3. Promise things within your control.

Careful

Affirmative statements are not only more clear and prevent misunderstanding they are easier for our brain to process.   Studies demonstrate that more spills result when warned, "Don't spill the punch" because the negative phrase requires more mental manipulation.  You first have to process spill the punch and then don't.  "Keep your hands steady and your eyes ahead" will achieve better results if you want the punch in the glass and the carpet clean. Likewise, affirmative statements result in more accurate expectations.

While I may be epitomizing my unique ability to state the obvious, truthful statements represent the best communication method to establish trust.  When we declare as true things that we believe but we do not know we run the risk of harming our own reputation.  You hear something from a source you trust. You then repeat the statement.   On those occasions the information turns out incorrect it will be your judgment that is called into question.  The fact that you got incorrect information, while an explanation, provides the basis for mistrust. To develop a trustful relationship we should speak that which we know to be true.


When I took my child to the doctor for an emergency I refrained from telling him that everything would be OK.  While that is an affirmative statement, it wasn't something that I knew to be true, nor was it in my control. Instead, in a response to his fear, I asked him if he remembered the last time he went to the doctor, how that made him feel and whether he had confidence that his doctor would know what to do.   Not surprising, he was calmed by his own realization that he trusted the doctor.  I never had to promise him anything out of my control.

When the doctor had me rush him to the children's hospital for an eventual hernia operation I was relieved my son found comfort in trust.  Consider:

Affirmative statement: "I am taking you to the doctor."
True statement: "So that means you really trust the doctor.
Statement within my control: "We will follow the doctors instructions."

Use these rules and you’ll see how they create and enhance relationships of trust and promote healthy expectations.