Nothing to Sneeze at

If you are reading this I probably owe you an apology.  This is true even if I don't know you.  Have you ever been suddenly startled by a loud sound that you couldn't quite identify? Have you ever seen a blowing mist but there is no cloud nor rain?  If both of these events have occurred at the same time, it was probably me.

I have been walking since a very early age.  I think I have been talking since before then. I could pretend read at a super young age and I am sure I believed myself quite precocious, even before I knew the meaning of the word.    But I am confident that the first developmental milestone I reached was the sneeze.

There are many types of sneezers in the world.

• Silent sneezer
• Quiet and dainty sneezer
• Multiple sneezer
• Loud sneezer
• Me

The Silent Sneezer

If you are not intently watching the silent sneezer you will have no knowledge that anything occurred.  If you are watching, you will see the nose wrinkle, the eyebrows furrow and a quick but infinitesimal movement of the head from back to front.  Nothing else.  There is no sound.  But if ask what happened they will tell you they just sneezed.  You will have to take their word for it.

I think most people fall in the range of quiet and dainty sneezers.  They are not particularly memorable for their sneezes.  They generally have a handkerchief or a tissue at the ready. I simple hand gesture will let you know they are about to sneeze.  There is a sweet high-pitched wheeze and always a gentle smile after the sneeze is done.  No other conversation is needed due to complete mutual understanding.

Seinfeld made the multiple sneezer famous.  In polite society you wait for the person with the most intimate connection to offer the "God Bless You."  But an unknown multiple sneezer can create a conflict in that behavioral custom.  However, don't fear the premature best wishes because most multiple sneezers are quick about it so they sneeze again before the requisite blessing.


Loud sneezers are happy to get your attention.  Some of them even conclude their sneeze with a non-sneeze encore of Whew!, Wow! or the ever obvious "Did you hear that?"   Commentary not only follows the loud sneezer by social custom but is invited by the sneeze.  The loud sneezer is also fairly energetic in his body language before, during and after the event.  Some could charge entry fees.

Then there is me.  My wife humanely says that I vocalize my sneezes.  That comment, like her humor is significantly understated.  I put loud sneezers to shame.  My sneezes have registered at seismic reading stations.  I have triggered earthquakes, avalanches and temporary cases of deafness.  My self analysis demonstrates that just before I sneeze I inhale, deeply.  For some reason I take a huge breath and become locked and loaded just before the sneeze.  The results, like Concord are the sneezes heard round the world.