Child's Play

More than forty years later I still carry potent memories from my first days at kindergarten. Some of the details have faded and as I have turned the memories over in my mind, I am sure the specific facts carry as much fiction as a children's library. But certain facts remain as clear as a cloudless summer sky. Once in a while those memories stir and I remember myself as that five year old boy getting ready to learn all about the world even before I had any idea of what the world was.

My world was pretty small back then but I didn't know it because I had everything that I needed and I didn't know about all of the things that I could have thought that I would need. I didn't even have to take a folder to school since the teacher provided our papers and pencils. While I am sure lessons were taught in the classroom, the enduring lessons stemmed from what happened on the playground.

Ours was an ordinary elementary school playground. I saw kids running around on grassy hills. Boys and girls would play on the swings. Our teacher took us out to the ball field for kickball games. The older kids played baseball, but we were only five. Smaller groups of children would line up to play four square and hopscotch while taller boys would shoot basketballs in the hoops. Occasionally a couple of kids would hit the  tetherball. I remember watching as other classmates would jump the rope and climb over giant tractor tires.

Everyone had everything they needed to have so much fun but what I also remember is a five year old boy standing alone by the side of the school watching as all of this joy happened around him. In my mind's eye I do not see a smile on his face, rather intimidation, hesitation and fear lay hidden behind an emotionless expression.  But I am pleased to say that even at five I had sufficient self-awareness to understand that I didn't have to stand apart and watch as the world went by. I was free to get in the middle and play along and feel the joy.

Sometimes when I tell the story I begin by telling people that deep down I am shy. Because of my gregarious behavior I am always greeted with incredulity at such an outrageous claim. Truth be told, I'm not sure if I was ever really shy; that just might be a shortcut label to describe those emotions that caused me to hesitate and to stand apart.  They were not feelings that brought happiness. Even worse, those beliefs erode the very  essence that allows a person to feel joy.

Every so often I discover that I have forgotten those valuable lessons from the school playground. I remember that there is always great joy around if you are willing to look, but then you must do more, you have to step out and play.