Seven Stages of Friendly Grief

5 Stages from 110pounds.com

I have heard of the Stages of Grief. While opinions vary on how many there are, these seven seem to cover the gamut.

• Shock and Denial
• Pain and Guilt
• Anger and Bargaining
• Depression
• reflection
• loneliness
• The Upward Trend
• Reconstruction and Working Through
• Acceptance and Hope

At Graveside for Carleton's Father 1991

I do not pretend to have experienced each of these stages and I remain uncertain as to how each may manifest itself.  But I am certain that these stages are and will be more easily processed with loving friends and family.

Am I in shock and denial?  Yes.  I talked about it with my son when he was home for lunch from school.  He shared that a couple of times he thought someone might finally let him in on an awful prank.  We both know the death is real.  It's just part of the denial.

Is there pain and guilt?  Yes.  He was only a mile away.  My wife and two of my three children went to visit him; I had not.  I was busy.  But because so many friends and family went to see him, I am comforted and I believe that he died happy and knowing he was loved.

Am I angry and bargaining with the What ifs?  Not so much.  He lived a full life. He was generous and supportive.

Feelings associated with depression manifested by reflection and loneliness are real.  Last night I got about 5 hours of sleep, 4 of them uninterrupted.  My mind will review his life, mortality and the inevitable changes that we'll have to make.  I was 9 or 10 when my grandfather died.  I hope I made enough memories for my children.  But again, with so many family and friends sharing their memories, our whole family can deepen our relationship with "Grandpa."

Making Memories

When will we see the Upward Trend?  Like the stock market I am sure we'll have ups and downs. The next few days and weeks will likely be filled with support.  It feels like we are already going up.  Inevitably that will pass and routine will set in.  But as long as we are willing to reach out and receive the ready and invited support from so many dear friends and family, we may not have to go very low before we turn it around.

We will have to make some changes and do some reconstruction of our lives and routines.  Some of the solutions that we'll need to find continue to elude me.  We'll make sure "Grandma" is well and her needs are met.  But grandpa did so much for so many and that void demands some reconstruction. Who better to help than family and friends?

Carleton with family and many friends

This is one time when I am not going to complain about confirmation bias.  All of my friends are telling me what I need to hear. Fortunately it concurs with my own fundamental believe system.  Oh yes, family and friends have already helped my make some acceptance and I am filled with hope.

I thank you all.